


don't turn over the page (we should rip it straight out)

by mogirl97



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mogirl97/pseuds/mogirl97
Summary: Season 5 one-shots/ficlets originally posted on my tumblr***latest chapter is post finale spec!*****





	1. [she shouldn't be thinking about that]

__She noticed that he was lingering.

The recruits had left, his suit was already put back on the mannequin and he was back in his jeans and blue henley, the one that was so soft, the one that she used to always steal on lazy Sundays at home.

But she shouldn't be thinking about that.

In the reflection on her screen as she started shutting everything down she could see the expression on his face.

It was almost composed... except he was nervous about something.

Sometimes he wore his emotions clearly but she had also learned over the years to detect the smallest cracks in his facade and understand what they meant.

Swiveling around in her chair to face him she could see the telltale sign of his fingers rubbing together restlessly.

Nervous.

Suddenly she was nervous.

Was he building up the courage to say something to her? Was it something that she could hear right now? What was she hoping it was that he wanted to say?

She kept her voice even as she asked, “What’s up?”

He looked up at her and the look on his face took her back to that day in the alley behind Verdant that had set so much in motion. The day she had so eagerly said yes to him, completely oblivious to the highs and lows her heart would experience because of saying that three letter word.

She wasn’t entirely sure if her stomach filled with dread or butterflies as she waited for him to answer her.

“I’m making dinner for Thea and I tonight and, you know how I always end up making too much food, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to join us?”

She did know how he always made too much, how the freezer at their home in Ivy Town would always be filled with leftovers. How she never had to eat at the cafeteria at Palmer Tech because there was always containers from dinners the nights before just waiting to be packed for her lunch.

But she shouldn’t be thinking about that.  

It was an innocent enough request. Not a date, just dinner with friends. She tried to decide if she was relieved or disappointed. The amount of suppressing she had been doing lately was making it difficult to know what she was feeling.

The text message that she had just sent a few minutes before popped into her mind.

_Definitely Chinese takeout! See you soon :)_

Oliver needed to know eventually, needed to find out from her, she just wasn’t sure why she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

Actually, she did knew why.

It was the same reason why she hadn’t introduced him to any of her friends. Especially her best friend.

It was easier to pretend when she kept everything in separate little boxes. The second the walls came down, everything would collapse. It would be just like it had been with Ray. He would see so easily that her heart was elsewhere and she wasn’t ready to admit that to herself yet. 

“Uhh, I actually have plans tonight,” she replied apologetically, hating the way his face fell slightly before he regathered himself. No, she definitely wasn’t telling him tonight. There would be a better time. Sometime. Eventually. “But thank you for inviting me. Maybe you could bring me some of those left overs tomorrow?”

The corners of his mouth turned upward into a small smile, “Of course. Have a nice night.”

She returned his smile, “You too. Tell Thea I said hi.”

He stepped into the elevator to leave and she started digging through her bag for her keys.

Chinese takeout didn’t sound so good anymore. Going home to a home that didn’t feel quite like home without the person that made it home being there didn’t sound so good anymore. Trying to make conversation with someone who she couldn’t tell what was weighing on her heavily, who couldn’t possibly understand, didn’t sound so good anymore.

**But she shouldn’t be thinking about that.**


	2. [she shouldn't be feeling this way]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a post 5x05 snippet

“Okay, that’s it for tonight,” Oliver announced much to her surprise. She glanced at the clock at the bottom of her screen and saw that it was a lot earlier than when he usually wrapped up training sessions. It was almost a normal time to be ending a work day.

“Why so early boss?” Rene voiced her question.

“I uh… I’m having dinner with someone…”

Felicity was glad her back was to them as she stiffened, her fingers freezing over the keyboard and her breath catching in her throat. A reaction she shouldn’t have had, emotions she shouldn’t be feeling. The door was closed.

“Mayor business or a date?” Evelyn asked and Felicity wished she hadn’t because even though she knew the answer she wanted to pretend it was something else.  

“Knowing her, probably both,” Oliver answered with a twinge of amusement before she heard his footsteps trail towards the bathroom.  

She could practically feel Curtis’s eyes boring into her and she slowly turned her chair around.

“Yes?” she raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“You okay with this?”

_No._

“Why wouldn’t I be? I… I have a date tonight too.”

He held her gaze for a moment longer as if daring her to actually be honest with herself before looking away and joining the rest of the team in cleaning up to go home. Spinning back to face her computer she shut everything down and caught her reflection in the black screen.

_Oh you’re going to have to look a little more convincing than that._

Once she had managed to affix a content smile to her face, she stood up and waved goodbye to everyone, her eyes not quite landing on Oliver’s before grabbing her things to head to the elevator. At her car, she pulled out her phone to make a call. She didn’t have a date planned, hadn’t planned on leaving the bunker at an early enough time for wining and dining, but she wasn’t going to be alone tonight to confront the emotions that had rippled through her earlier when she heard the tentative excitement and optimism in Oliver’s voice.

* * *

 

_What are they talking about? What could they possibly be talking about when half of his personal life revolves a secret identity? Unless she watches Master Chef. He could talk for hours about Master Chef…_

“Felicity?”

She startled, “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

He laughed, “I just said you looked nice.”

“Oh.” She smoothed her fingers down the fabric of her skirt. “Thank you.”

“You okay tonight? You haven’t said much.”

“Just a little tired,” she responded dismissively.

“So dessert to go?” he suggested.

_Dessert. Is he going to put her engagement ring in a soufflé?_

_Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down Smoak, it’s just dinner._

_But…_

But she shouldn’t be feeling this way. Shouldn’t be worrying about what a dinner could eventually lead to, if not with this woman than with another who would realize that Oliver was someone they wanted to share a life with.  

Because that was fine, because the door was closed, because she had shut it. He was only doing what she herself was doing, moving forward.

“I’m actually not really in the mood for dessert.”

Except that she knew she had only really hit the pause button, and Oliver moving forward hadn’t been something she had considered.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again.

She put on that smile she had crafted back in the bunker and reached across the table to take his hand in hers, “I am. It’s just been a long day for me.”

“Me too, working with the ACU is keeping me busy. But I’m glad I got to end the day with you. Your call was a nice surprise.” He squeezed her hand and she wished she would feel the rush of understanding and affection he was attempting to communicate, wanted to feel something real with him, but her nerve endings just felt frayed.

Whatever he saw on her face must have been satisfactory though because he didn’t ask her anymore questions about how she was feeling.

They paid the check and walked out onto the street and that’s when the smile faltered.

In the restaurant across the street, the front window practically a beacon of light drawing her gaze in, she saw them. Leaning across the table slightly as she talked animatedly about something and he listened with a smile. She only allowed herself a second to look, didn’t want Billy to be aware of what had caught her attention and caused the mask to slip from her face. But that second had been more than enough for an emotion she had no right to feel to twist inside of her like little knives.

Jealousy.

Mingled with longing and a hint of regret, and oh she knew she shouldn’t be feeling this way, but she couldn’t help it. It had been easier to bury her emotions under her relationship with Billy when she wasn’t facing a reality that held a possibility of being replaced. Easier to pretend that she hadn’t kept the door cracked ever so slightly when he wasn’t pushing it shut.

She let herself be gently tugged to where the car was parked as a numbness settled over her and she unsuccessfully tried to erase the scene from her mind. It might as well have been branded there with the way it refused to fade.

“Do you want to go back to my place or yours or…”

She barely realized what he was asking her as he put the car in drive but when it registered she was quick to respond, “I think I just need the night to myself, sorry.”

She hadn’t wanted to be alone and forced to confront her emotions but she knew now that if she didn’t sort through some of the confusing mess it was going to crush her.

“Right,” he shook his head. “You said you were tired.”

“Yeah…”

The drive was silent and it gave her time to pull herself back together, put the smile back on, and be prepared to give him a kiss goodnight that made her feel absolutely nothing.

_Why couldn’t it feel real? Why couldn’t she try harder?_

When she finally was met with the solitude of her empty loft, the mask was able to come back off and her shoulders slumped. Grabbing a bottle of wine and a box she hadn’t opened in months, she curled up on her couch and lifted the lid.

Inside was a trove of memories that hit her like a ton of bricks.

One at a time she pulled out the picture frames that had been hastily packed away and carefully examined the expressions on her face that were a sharp contrast to the ones she had been pasting on lately. She forced herself to imagine another woman in place of her in those pictures, living those moments with Oliver and, for all of her talk of moving on, she really wasn’t okay with conceding her place, the life that was supposed to be hers.  She felt the knives of jealousy again. Such an ugly emotion and one she wasn’t sure she had the right to feel but there it was, cutting into her and forcing her to truly feel for the first time in months even if she wasn’t completely sure what all of her feelings meant. 

Without thinking, she reached for her phone and hit the first number on her speed dial. It was late. The date had probably gone well and he wouldn’t be answering her. He would be—

“Felicity?”

She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

“Umm hi,” she answered lamely. What was she even planning on saying to him?

“Is everything alright?”

Everything she was feeling was threatening to spill out but then she remembered the easy smile on his face in the restaurant and she pushed those emotions down. He had given her a chance to move forward and just because she was failing miserably didn’t mean she couldn’t be fair and give him that same chance.

“Yeah, I don’t know why I called I just— I don’t know. Sorry to bother you.”

Before he could respond, she hung up and pushed her phone away. She wasn’t ready yet to be honest with him, she was barely beginning to be honest with herself. So for now, while she let him move forward she was just going to have to let the little knives of envy prick away at her heart and expose the emotions she was burying deep inside.  

Hopefully before he got so far ahead of her that she couldn’t catch up. 

 


	3. decorating the bunker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt fill for day 1 of my Christmas countdown: There are no fireplaces in the bunker and Oliver makes an off-hand comment to John while training about not having a place to hang his stocking which Felicity overhears via the intercom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're not following me over on tumblr for my Christmas countdown you totally should ;) mogirl97.tumblr.com

_“Well it’s not like there’s anywhere down here for me to hang my stocking.”_

Felicity paused what she was working on as her ears perked up to the conversation echoing through the bunker that she had been previously tuning out.

_“And maybe if I just ignore the holidays, nothing terrible will happen to anyone this year.”_

The sound of the escrima sticks hitting each other punctuated his words and she frowned.

_“Man you love Christmas though.”_

_“Because it always brought with it good memories of celebrating with my family before everything changed, and some almost normalcy to my life. But I also love not getting kicked off of a mountain or having to rescue my friends from a psychopath or holding my fia—holding Felicity while she bleeds out in the middle of the street.”_

She stiffened in her chair, almost afraid she suddenly wouldn’t be able to feel her toes as memories flashed through her mind. The past two Decembers certainly hadn’t exactly been the merriest and—she looked down at her empty ring finger— and even the good parts had been tarnished, but that was no reason to avoid celebrating the holidays this year.

Because Oliver deserved at least an attempt at a Christmas without anything traumatic happening.

Because she needed to pretend that everything was normal and fine and that her heart wasn’t hurting as she thought about how much had changed since last year.

While everyone was trickling out for the night, she tugged Curtis and Rory aside.

“I need you guys to help me with something.”

**\---THE NEXT DAY---**

“Ouch!” Curtis exclaimed, his voice muffled. “Pine needles in my face, pine needles in my face.”  

“Sorry, we’ll be out of here soon.” Felicity tapped her foot impatiently in the stuffed elevator as it made its way down. When the doors finally opened, they spilled out of it gratefully, massive tree in tow.

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” Rory asked, sorting through a box of decorations from last year’s holiday party at Oliver’s campaign office that they had already brought down.

Felicity fiddled with her hands, “The past few Decembers have been a little rough. Umm…”

“Last year John, Felicity, and Thea got kidnapped,” Curtis supplied. “And then…”

She swallowed, “And then I got shot. And the year before that, we thought Oliver was dead because, well it’s a long story. A really long story. The point is, there’s no way this year can be worse—“

“Mmm, I wouldn’t say that,” Curtis muttered and she ignored him.

“So we’re going to bring some holiday cheer to this place,” Felicity concluded, putting on her best fake cheeriness.

_So I have a momentary distraction from sitting still and thinking about the fact that this was_ supposed _to be my first time spending the holidays with my husband, okay?_

Curtis and Rory exchanged a glance before turning back to her.

“Okay?” she asked.

Curtis nodded, “Just tell me where you want this tree.”

“And I’ve got our Hanukkah representation taken care of,” Rory added, pulling the menorah out of the box that she had brought over from home.

She smiled at them gratefully and they got to work.

Three hours later the bunker had been transformed into a holiday wonderland compete with a tree and tinsel and lights and…

Felicity straightened Oliver’s stocking in the lineup she had hanging on the railing and stepped back proudly.

It wasn’t their— _the_ fireplace in the loft, but it would do.

“You spelled my name wrong on my stocking…” Curtis appeared beside her and she reached for her puff paint defensively.

“No I didn’t! Did I?” She examined his stocking closely and, finding that it was actually correct, tossed him a glare.

He sat down on the stairs and looked at her pointedly, “So… are we finally going to talk about what’s been going on with you? I mean, you’re getting arts and crafty, that has to be a cry for help…”

“Maybe I just really like puff paint.” He tilted his head skeptically and she sighed, “I just want things to feel normal. Or as normal as they can be when this is our life. I want Oliver to be happy and… and Christmas makes him happy.”

_Translation: I want to be the one making him happy._

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you happy?” 

She blinked. “I—Yeah. Of course I am.”

“So when is Oliver going to get here?” Rory asked, walking over to them before Curtis could press her.  

“Well he had mayor stuff to attend to today—“

“I’m pretty sure he also mentioned something about a date,” Curtis mumbled.

“—but he should be here for the night soon.” Felicity stood up, clapping her hands together, “So let’s get the lights plugged in for the full effect.”

With the overhead lights dimmed and the strands of twinkle lights plugged in, the bunker was bathed in soft, warm light that made it feel almost homey. Felicity rested her hands on her hips and did a slow turn, inspecting their work.

“It looks perfect, thanks for your help guys.”

The sound of the elevator doors opening cause her to spin on her heels but it wasn’t the person she was expecting who stepped out.

“What the hell happened here?” Rene asked, looking around the bunker.

Felicity gestured at the tree behind her, “We decorated for the holidays.”

He raised an eyebrow, “I see.” Walking past the lineup of stockings on his way to the bathroom he exhaled in amusement. “Does this mean we’re getting presents Blondie?”

“Maybe if you start calling me by my name you’ll end up on my nice list,” she fired back.

The faintest smile turned up the corners of his mouth before he ducked into the bathroom.

Pacing a small square behind her desk, she contemplated texting Oliver and asking him when he was going to arrive. She didn’t want to bother him if he was actually on a date, but at the same time…

The elevator opened again and she glanced over her shoulder to see the man in question walking out, his eyes tired as he loosened his tie. She saw the flicker of surprise flash across his face as he scanned the bunker before his eyes landed on hers.

“Surprise.” She smiled faintly and took a few small steps towards him.

His face crinkled up in that adorably confused way of his as he asked, “What’s all this for?”

She shrugged, “I might have overheard you mentioning that you didn’t have anywhere to hang your stocking this year and… well that’s not true.”

Reaching out for his hand, she gently tugged him around the bunker to show off the decorating efforts of Rory, Curtis, and her. They got to the row of stockings on the railing with their names painted on in her flourishy handwriting and she squeezed his hand, “I think we owe it to ourselves to at least give the holidays a chance.”

He nodded in agreement, “Thank you, for doing all of this…”

Before she could give her brain a moment to catch her, she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek against his chest for the most intimate hug she had allowed herself with him in months, unlike the brief _“I’m glad you’re not dead,”_ or _“our friend is in the ER”_ hugs. Breathing in his familiar scent and feeling his steady heartbeat, she felt him relax into her embrace.

Everything was going to be fine this year.

Just… fine.

But she needed this, just in case.

And because, despite what she was telling everyone and herself, _she_ wasn’t fine.   

When she reluctantly pulled away, he smiled down at her, “You have paint on your face.”

“What?” she swiped at her nose. “Where?”

He reached out his hand that wasn’t pressed against her lower back and dragged his thumb across her cheek. Stifling a sigh at the almost-caress, she tilted her eyes towards the ceiling and they widened, “Oh.”

_She was going to have words with Curtis who was definitely the culprit here._

_Where did the boys go anyway?_

Oliver glanced up at what had caught her attention, “Is that…”

“Mistletoe,” she whispered. “Which I was not responsible for hanging, by the way,” she hastily added.

_But I mean… now that we’re under it…_

She couldn’t help herself from licking her lips as he swallowed and looked at her intently, his hand still cupping her face. Deep inside of her was a voice telling her that they couldn’t do this, that there was some glaring reason that they couldn’t; but with him looking at her like that and the romantic ambience the lights were creating around them she just couldn’t for the life of her remember what that reason was.

Closing her eyes and rolling up on her toes, her lips were millimeters from his when he whispered, “Felicity… we can’t do this.”

Her eyes fluttered open and her heart broke at the pain and longing on his face that she could only imagine was reflected on hers.

He sighed, “It’s not fair to your—to Detective Malone.”

_Oh yeah. That was the glaring reason._

A week away in Central City dealing with aliens had made her realize how little relevance he actually held in her life when it wasn’t convenient, because honestly she hadn’t thought about him once.  

“Right.” She winced and took a tiny step back, his hand still against her back keeping her too close to him. “And Susan.”

His hand dropped.

A loud crashing sound drew their attention to where Curtis, Rory, and Rene were doing their best to look like they hadn’t seen anything that had just happened while they scrambled to pick up the contents of the shelf one of them had bumped into.

“We’re just going to…”

“Go...”

“On patrol,” they offered.

“Good idea,” Felicity chirped, walking away from Oliver and that darned mistletoe and over to her desk. “Hey, has anyone heard from Evelyn recently? She hasn’t returned any of my calls…”


	4. unbreakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post 5x16 spec fic

This wasn’t the first time.

The first time someone had tried to break him.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, he had endured so much in his life, by now he should be numb.

How much easier would it be for him if he just didn’t feel anything anymore?

He had lost track of the days he had spent chained up in this cold, dark room. The hours he was alone were almost harder than Adrian’s visits because the only company he had was the words of his captor echoing in his mind, imprinting themselves as truths, continuing his torture.

Old wounds that had never fully healed had been reopened, not just the ones currently dripping blood all over the concrete he was laying on, but deep emotional ones that had been hastily patched up underneath whatever crisis was more of a priority that year than giving them time to heal. Adrian knew everything about him, knew where to twist the knife to make him scream, to haunt him with memories he had tried to forget.

He knew his teammates were looking for him, knew they wouldn’t stop until they found him, but every minute he spent here made him more afraid that time had run out, that Adrian had gotten to them, one by one, before they got to him. 

The sound of the metal door scraping the floor caused every muscle in his body to tense up in preparation for whatever blow would be delivered to him this time. Would it be the one that finally shattered him?

Lifting his head ever so slightly, he saw in the dim light through his blurred vision a sight that made his breath catch in his throat. 

“Oliver…”

She rushed forward, collapsing to the floor beside him and gently cradling his head in her hands.

“We need to hurry,” John’s voice reached his ears. “Adrian could be back any minute now and we need to get you two on your way.”

He didn’t know what John was talking about, all he could focus on was her fingers stroking his face soothingly, being careful to avoid the stinging gashes.

John moved and then he heard the sound of chains clattering as he freed him from his shackles.

“Oliver do you think you can stand?” she whispered softly.

In all honestly, he didn’t know. It had been at least a day since he had lost the strength to put the effort into getting himself up off the ground since he knew he would have just been sent crumpling down again.

He tried to push up but his body felt so heavy and he looked up at her helplessly.

John came to his other side, “It’s okay man, we’ve got you.”

The two of them eased him up as carefully as possible but he still let out a cry as intense pain shot through his entire body.

“Sorry,” she apologized from underneath the crook of his arm.  

Every inch felt like a mile as they walked him out of his prison and towards a black van that was parked a block away. Once they arrived, Felicity shifted all of his weight onto John so that she could open up the back doors where a makeshift bed had been set up on the floor.

He felt a little more steady on his feet than earlier as John guided him forward, “Okay Oliver, easy does it.”

They got him settled with a clean shirt and a much needed drink of water and then Felicity stayed in the back with him as John climbed into the driver’s seat.

While John weaved them through the city as quickly as possible without jostling him too much, he got his first clear look at Felicity. Dark circles were under her eyes and they were rimmed red, her hair looked like it had once been in her usual neat ponytail but was now a mess.

Reaching up, he stroked her cheek with his thumb, “Are you okay?”

She let out a brittle laugh, “You should not be the one asking me that question.”

“Felicity, we’re going to be at the city limits in a few miles, are you going to be ready to make the switch?” John asked over his shoulder.

“Yes,” she replied before turning her attention back to him.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his brain starting to become less fuzzy.

“Well… you and I are in a bit of a predicament that’s going to require going away. Hopefully not for too long.”

“I’ll go anywhere with you,” he muttered and she gave him a weak smile.

“Adrian has given up your identity Oliver, he used what Susan had on you, there’s a warrant out for your arrest. And I…” she bit her lip. “I did some things to find you, some very illegal things, so we’re both in trouble at the moment.”

“You shouldn’t have—“

“Oliver,” she interrupted him, taking his hand in hers. “There was no choice to make. The rest of the team is going to try and get a handle on things while we stay out of the crossfire for a few days.” Her eyes scanned his body and the crinkle in between her eyebrows deepened, “Even if you weren’t a fugitive, you’re in no condition to be suiting up right now.”

“Felicity, he’s not going to stop until he’s taken everyone from me. He knows everything—” his voice broke. “William.”

“Lyla’s got ARGUS on it,” John reported. “No one else is going to get hurt. I promise.”

He started to shiver and Felicity laid a blanket over him, “I’ll clean you up once we’re far enough away to stop okay? Just hang in there.”

She pressed a tender kiss to his forehead and as his heart swelled with emotion he remembered why he was glad he wasn’t numb to feeling anything, even if it would be easier than having so much to lose.

Just outside the city limits, John idled the van and Felicity crawled up front to take his place as driver.

“See you soon Oliver,” John assured him.  

“Thank you John.”

* * *

Sometime after Felicity started driving, he fell asleep, only to be awakened some time later from a nightmare by her voice pulling him out.

“Oliver… we’re here,” she announced.

“Where is here?” he muttered.

“Ravenspur. Where my dad hid out last year. Let’s get you inside.”

It was an effort for her to get him out of the van and into the cabin without John’s extra assistance, but she remained strong and steady as she supported him as best as she could. Inside, he blinked to adjust his eyes to the darkness and see the bed that she was walking him towards.

Once he was settled, she moved over to the fireplace.

“Dear old dad left a fire all set and ready for us, how considerate,” she muttered, dropping a match on the stacked wood and bringing crackling flames to life. “I’m just going to get the medic supplies from the van and I’ll be right back.”

She was only gone for a minute or two but it felt like forever. After being assaulted with the fear that he might never lay eyes on her again, he just wanted her close.

When she returned, she made her way to his side and turned on a lantern before opening up her box of supplies.

“Okay, what wounds do you think are the worst?” she inquired, trailing her fingers delicately down his arm.  

He didn’t know how to explain to her that it was the ones she couldn’t just bandage up with medical supplies. 

“My back,” he grunted and she eased him over onto his stomach before lifting up his shirt to make her assessments.

He ground his teeth together as the fabric pulled at blood that had started to dry and he heard a little gasp escape her as she saw what he knew couldn’t have been a pleasant sight.

“Oh Oliver…” she whispered before he felt the brush of her lips against his shoulder blade before the cool sting of antiseptic. “I’m so sorry.”

It took her what felt like at least an hour to clean and bandage the various inflictions marring his body from Adrian’s various methods of torture. They were nothing he hadn’t experienced before, the scars would join the many others that his body bore, but that didn’t mean that they didn’t still hurt and he felt every pain receptor in his body firing off every time he shifted in the slightest.

She helped him sit up to change into fresh clothes and as she was slipping his favorite gray sweatshirt over his arm she asked, “Do you ever think about what we’d be doing if we had never left Ivy Town?”

He looked at her in surprise, before admitting, “Yes. Not this, that’s for sure. You wouldn’t be happy though if we had stayed.”

She fixed him with a look, “And I’m happy now? I mean, I’m glad that you’re safe now and I’m not running myself ragged turning over any stone that could lead me to you, but… I’m tired Oliver.” Tears were brimming up in her eyes. "Tired of losing everything that I came back to Star City for in the first place _and_ everything I had in Ivy Town, while only experiencing more loss and guilt and pain.”

He mulled over her words as she started to clean one last gash on his forehead.

“I’m sorry,” he remarked faintly. “You’ve been drowning, and I haven’t been ignoring that, I just… I didn’t think that I was the person who could help you. I didn’t know how to help. Everything I’ve done has only made things worse for you and I—“

“Oliver.” She pressed a finger to his lips to quiet him. “Please don’t. There will be time to have this conversation, _many conversations_ , but right now I am feeling the crash of the desperation induced adrenaline rush of the past few days and I just want to sleep. Please.”

He nodded and inched himself closer to the other side of the bed to make space for her. It had been over a year since he had shared such an intimate space with her and he reveled in the way she curled up beside him, not even caring when her elbow accidentally dug into his ribcage painfully and she squeaked out an apology.

Safe, he felt safe with her. The thoughts that had been torturing him while he was alone in captivity were silenced by her presence, offering him some reprieve, even if only for a few hours before he would have to face the realities of them again. 

“For what it’s worth,” he whispered after they laid in silence for a few minutes, running his bruised fingers through her hair. “I still love you, you haven’t lost that.”

“I love you too,” she mumbled sleepily and for the first time in a while, the corners of his mouth flicked up into a small smile.

Love, the ability to feel such a powerful emotion, may be a vulnerability, but it was also a source of hope and the strength to not break, even when the pain becomes almost unbearable. 


	5. not hypothetically, but actually, a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post 5x22 fic // aka, what could have happened if Chase’s minions had been so kind as to hold off on their kidnapping spree an extra 24 hours

Felicity opened her refrigerator in search of the leftover takeout she could’ve sworn was still in there somewhere. To her dismay, all she was greeted with was mostly empty shelves. She was not a big grocery shopping person to begin with, and with everything they had been dealing with over the past couple of weeks, she couldn’t remember the last time she pushed a cart through those fluorescent lit aisles.

“How did Oliver manage to be the Green Arrow and keep our refrigerator stocked,” she muttered to herself as she checked a container of yogurt to discover it had expired months ago.

Her eyes caught the box from Oliver’s party the night before and she slid it out, remembering that there had been a few leftover slices of cake. They were on summer break after all, so cake was an acceptable dinner… right?

She was debating eating it straight from the box versus preserving some of her dignity and getting a plate when she remembered that she didn’t have to spend her evening sitting at her counter eating cake alone.

Setting the box down and reaching for her phone, she hit her first number on speed dial and waited while it rang. Which wasn’t a long wait since he picked up before the first ring had finished.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes… Am I only allowed to call when I’m in danger?” she teased.

There was a pause. “Well, no I just—“

“Do you want to come over tonight?” She needed to get the words out before he gave her enough time to talk herself out of it. She could practically see his eyebrow rise in that way it did when she said something that could have multiple interpretations and she hastily added, “There’s just leftover birthday cake and I was about to eat it but I realized that you should probably get dibs on it since it was for your birthday.” _And also, I just really want to see you._ “I promise this isn’t a ruse. But if you’re busy I understand and—”

“No,” he interrupted her. “No I’m not busy. I’m just finishing up at City Hall and then I can be right over.”

The corners of her mouth flicked up in a small smile at the eagerness he was trying so hard and yet failing to hide in his voice.

“Okay.”

“Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“Oh umm well…” She glanced back at her empty refrigerator. “Cake was going to be dinner.”

“I could pick up some things on the way over and cook for us?” His voice was tentative, like maybe what he was suggesting was too many steps forward, too close to the old normal.

Her stomach grumbled and she decided that, even if it was, she didn’t care. “That sounds great.”

“Is there something specific you were hungry for or—?”

“Oh no, whatever you want to make is fine.”

“Okay. I’m heading out now so, even with the grocery stop, I should still be there in less than an hour.”

“Okay great— umm... see you soon.”

“See you soon,” he echoed before hanging up.

Setting her phone back down on the counter she took a deep breath. Okay, they were doing this. Not so hypothetically, but actually, having a date. He knew it was a date, right? She hadn’t exactly specified but she figured that was implied….

_So what, are you just going to call back and be like, “BTW in case you were wondering, this is a date”?_

Why was she so nervous all of a sudden? He had just been at the loft the night before for the party and she hadn’t felt like this. Like her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

But that was because there had been other people, a buffer. Which was absurd considering those people were actively trying to push them back together, but still.

What had she been thinking inviting him over? A first date should be at a nice neutral place, not their home that was full of memories, good and bad. Of course, most people going on a first date didn’t exactly have a home that they had lived in together to have their first date at in the first place… She wondered if there was some sort of official guide to dating your ex-fiance.

Hopefully Oliver would get wine.

Or not.

With their track record, wine and taking things one step at a time would probably not mix well.

Taking a deep breath, she looked down at what she was wearing. Her pajamas. Nothing Oliver hadn’t seen her in, but she was thinking she should probably change because the attire read more “hanging out at home like we used to do every night” and not enough “first date.” Besides, he was going to be coming from city hall, so he would be in a suit looking all handsome. While getting all dressed up would be overkill for the nice casual dinner she was envisioning, she should at least put some real clothes on.

She ran up the stairs into their—her bedroom and flung open the closet doors. Over the past year she had taken over his side of the closet and she was really going to have to get her clothes under control for when—

_Whoa. Were you not the one who said ‘one step at a time?’_

Shaking her head, she found a soft, light pink top and dug some jeans out of her dresser to wear with it. She gave herself a cursory glance in the mirror to make sure she didn’t look like a complete mess and frowned. She hadn’t put on a lot of make-up that day and—And Oliver had seen her waking up in the morning with bed head and no make-up on and had wanted to marry her and wake up to that every day for the rest of his life, so she wasn’t sure why she was stressing out over how she looked.

When she checked the clock she saw that she had only managed to kill seventeen minutes and still had a while before Oliver was projected to arrive. She had cleaned the loft the day before for the party so she couldn’t even really justify distracting herself with a mindless and dull task like vacuuming.

She wandered back downstairs and did a quick sweep of the place to make sure that in the time since everyone had left the night before she hadn’t left something embarrassing sitting out somewhere. On the dining room table was a photo album from their trip that she had pulled out to reminisce after Curtis had mentioned Florence. She had been instantly taken back to the days they had spent there, and when she glanced over at Oliver, she knew he had been replaying those memories too. 

Not exactly embarrassing but— she put the album back on the shelf— reminiscing together could lead to recreating certain moments that they didn’t have pictures of but she could remember quite well… and they definitely were not on that step yet.

Finally, after some pacing and other time wasting, she heard the soft knock on the door that signaled Oliver’s arrival. She took a deep breath and walked over, wiping her hands on her jeans before opening the door.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” His face was barely visible over the full grocery bags he was carrying and she stepped aside quickly to let him in.  

“Are you planning on making a seven-course meal?” she asked as he set the bags down on her counter.

A faint blush creeped up his ears, “No, I umm—picked up some extra food for you. I had a feeling you probably hadn’t been to the store in a while, so I just got some things that I know you like…”

She almost said something ridiculous like, “ _Marry me_ ,” but caught herself and settled for, “Oh. Thank you.” Walking over to the fridge, she opened it up to show him the emptiness, “You know me too well.”

He smiled at her before starting to put the food away and she took a seat on one of the barstools to watch him. His suit jacket and tie had been discarded at some point since leaving City Hall and he had the sleeves of his light blue button down pushed up above his elbows. It was one of her favorite looks on him, and since they were sort of dating again, she supposed she was allowed to stare.

“This is a date,” she blurted out. “Just in case you were wondering. I meant it as a date. It still counts as a date if we just stay at home and you cook, right?”

Belatedly she realized that she had implied that this was their home… and that wasn’t incorrect. No matter how many months it had been since he had last lived there with her, it would always be their home.

He looked up at her from where he had started chopping vegetables, and replied quietly, “Those were always my favorite ones.”

“Yeah.” She gave him a shy smile, “Me too.”

He didn’t look out of place standing in the kitchen, it felt like things were finally the way they were supposed to be again. And as much as she knew she needed to take things one step at a time, she also hoped that maybe it wouldn’t be too long until he would be coming home every night, without an invitation being necessary. 

* * *

Dinner had been delicious, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been able to just take her time enjoying a meal without having to worry about rushing off to Helix or the bunker. The slower pace of “summer vacation” felt like exactly what they needed to start rebuilding things between them. Despite her minor freak out earlier that having him over would feel too weird, they had quickly settled into a familiar comfort as they talked, and washed the dishes, and split the leftover cake. She was reluctant to let him leave and invited him over to the couches to extend the evening a little longer.

“You really do need new socks,” she remarked with a laugh when he slipped his shoes off to recline on the couch and she saw the big hole in the left one.

He shrugged, “I wasn’t kidding. The last thing on my mind lately has been buying socks.”  

She settled in beside him, “Well with Chase off the board, you can think about such boring things now and stop walking around with hole-y socks on.”

Oliver was quiet for a second, before replying, “I still can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t all over.”

“Oliver… Not that I don’t think you shouldn’t trust your instincts…”

“But you think I’m being paranoid.”

“No…” She patted his thigh, “I just think that maybe you’re still letting him get to you by not allowing yourself to accept a victory and move forward.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, “Maybe you’re right. So what do we do now?”

“We relax,” she reminded him, interlocking her fingers with his. “We take that trip to the Pacific Crest trail.”

“Oh, am I invited on that?”

She looked up at him, “Did you really think I wanted to go camping by myself?”

“Well I—“ They were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing and she glanced over at it to check the identity of the caller.

“It’s Curtis…” She hit to decline the call. “He won’t be mad when he finds out I ignored him because we were having a date night.”

Except that Oliver’s phone started ringing next.

“I don’t know Felicity, what if it’s an emergency…”

She sighed and picked up his phone, answering it for him, “Curtis what’s up?”

“Felicity? Why are you answering Oliver’s phone? Are you two together right now? Are you on a date? Wait, no time for that. What’s up is that I’m at Dinah’s and it looks like there’s been a break in. I’m going to investigate but I think some back-up might be a good idea.”

“Okay. Be careful, Oliver will be right over.” She heard a crashing sound as a reply and stood up from the couch. “Curtis?”

“What’s going on?” Oliver asked.

“Something’s happened at Dinah’s. You need to get over there.”


	6. Lost and found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 5x23 spec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is me processing that cliffhanger, hopefully it helps you too :)

_Just in case…. Just in case… Just in case…_

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the destruction ripping apart the island, the island that seemed to never stop taking from him, as her voice echoed in his head. That innate protectiveness that drove him was screaming at him to move, to save them— _somehow_ save them, no matter how irrational it seemed that there was a chance they were still alive, but it was like all the oxygen had left his body when Chase pulled that trigger. His body felt heavy, his feet glued to the spot as he clung to his son. The one part of him he knew for certain he hadn’t lost and couldn’t bear to let go of for even a second.

“Oliver…” William croaked, “Dad?”

The sound of his shaking voice unfroze him and he dropped to his knees to look him in the eye. He couldn’t find the capacity to form words yet, shock still numbing his brain as explosions continued to echo through the air, so he just squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. Like he had done so many times with Felicity when words failed him.

He tried not to think about the words he should have said to her before he let her walk away. Words he might have forever lost his chance to say.

William’s eyes drifted over his shoulder to the fire blazing on the shore, “My mom… is she…”

“I don’t know.” He wouldn’t give him false hope, wouldn’t placate him with, _“she’s going to be okay,”_ wouldn’t assure anything else that he couldn’t be certain of. He had already made that mistake. Pain, the kind he never wanted his son to feel and would give anything to spare him from, flickered in his eyes as his small hand grasped his arm tightly.

_Just in case…_

The coms. He was afraid to try, afraid to be met with silence. Closing his eyes, he tapped that spot over his heart.

“Felicity?”

This couldn’t be it. Not for her. He hadn’t told her yet about what he had seen when he was in the clutches of the Dominators, the legacy she was meant to have. The building with her name shining bright from the top of it, the beacon of hope.

John… how would he tell Lyla? How was it fair that in the moment that he had been reunited with his son, John may have been lost to his forever. Guilt that he had been trying so hard to fight snaked around him and threatened to choke him.

Rene, Dinah, Curtis, Quentin… the city needed them, _he_ needed them. They were part of the family he was rebuilding around himself after losing so many of the ones tied to him by blood.

_Thea._ He had already seen the life almost completely faded from her eyes once, he didn’t think his heart was capable of breaking any more. And yet, he felt it crack at the thought of not being able to save her this time. In his darkest days during his years in hell she had always been with him, he had carried the thought of her to survive the un-survivable. How was he supposed to endure losing her?

He opened his eyes and pulled William closer. Even if he had lost everyone else, he still had his son, and he would be strong for him.

“Felicity?” he tried again after too much time had passed. _Please._

A cough. A sputter.

It was like someone had resuscitated him and he felt a new energy ripple through him. He sprung to his feet, hope fueling him.

“Felicity? Felicity can you hear me?”

“Oliver—“ she groaned and he tried not to think about what condition she might be in. She was breathing, her heart was beating, and that was enough. “Help—“

“Talk to me Felicity.” He kept his eyes away from Adrian’s body as he made his way to the front of the boat so he could take the controls, William following him. “Do you know where you are?”

“No…” her voice was weak and he turned the boat around, sending it careening rapidly towards the island.

“Just stay with me Felicity, I’m coming.”

The logical part of his brain was telling him he needed to be cautious, the island wasn’t stable and if the boat was destroyed on rocks, they would be in a whole other predicament. The emotional part was blind to anything but getting to his friends and family as quickly as possible, but he slowed to carefully navigate to the shore.  

When he arrived, he debated what he should do about William. He didn’t want to leave him alone on the boat with Adrian’s corpse, but he didn’t want to bring him onto the death trap that was the still-detonating island either.  

“William…”

His eyes were wide as he looked up at him, “Where are you going? Don’t leave me.”

Well that settled that. It looked like most of the active explosions were on the far side of the island now anyway.

Helping him off the boat and onto the shore, he called for Felicity again, “Felicity? Can you see any of the others?”

“Uhhh we got separated in the blast. I can’t—“ Her voice faltered, “There’s smoke everywhere. I’m trapped.”

The single-minded focus that possessed him when she was in danger took a hold of him.

“Okay, just keep me updated if you see anyone. I’m coming.” He would search every inch of the island if necessary.

Crouching down, he spoke to William, “Remember when I would come over and we would play rescue mission with your superhero action figures?”

William nodded and he attempted a comforting smile, “This is just like that, okay?” This was nothing like that. This was dangerous and real and he wanted his son a million miles from this place, but, like it or now, this was the situation they were currently in. Scaring him wasn’t going to help. “I need you to be a superhero today.”

“I— I don’t know if I can be that brave,” he whispered.

“Yes you can,” he assured him, cupping his face with his hand. “I know you can.”

William searched his eyes before swallowing, “Okay.”

Taking his quiver off, he slung it over William’s back, tightening the straps to fit his small frame before helping him up onto his back to carry him like he had with Felicity down in the bunker not that long ago. Thankfully now, he wasn’t bleeding out and weakened by poisonous gases. A shot of adrenaline wasn’t necessary, his body was thrumming with its own, as he could feel some sort of invisible clock ticking down the time until it would be too late to save anyone that the explosives hadn’t already potentially claimed.

“Hold on tight,” he instructed, starting to run as quickly as he could with William on his back and rubble everywhere, towards the location where he knew his friends and family last were.

It took him a frustrating amount of time before he finally located Adrian’s abandoned plane, now just a twisted piece of burning metal.

“Felicity? Thea? Curtis? Samantha?” he cried out, hoping someone might reply.

“Ollie!”

Thea. Relief flooded him.

Setting William down, he called for her, his eyes frantically scanning the clearing, “Thea?!”

“I’m over here…”

His eyes focused on the spot he had heard her voice come from and he saw the corner of her red jacket. When he rushed to her side, he saw that she was trapped under branches that had blown off a nearby tree and he cleared them away, helping her to her feet.

“How--?” He pulled her to his chest, “How?”

“Felicity and Curtis managed to deactivate some of the bombs that were right below us. That didn’t get us out of the way of shrapnel and the fire from the surrounding area, but we wouldn’t have stood a chance otherwise,” she explained, soot and blood covering her face and neck.

“Is everyone close by?”

She shook her head, “I don’t know. John, Rene, Dinah, Quentin, Nyssa… they had all just made it to us when the explosives went off, but the force of the blast…”

“Okay. Just, stay with William. I’m going to search.” He led his sister over to his son. “William, this is Aunt Thea. Stay with her, I’ll be right back.” This was certainly not how he had pictured this meeting.

Thea took William’s hand and gave him a reassuring nod, “We’ll be fine. Go.”  

One by one he found his scattered friends, in various states of bleeding and bruised, but mercifully alive, until there was only one left unaccounted for.

He found her under a pile of rubble and he carefully extracted her, cradling her in his arms to feel her chest rising and falling, her heart beating against his.

“You’re alive,” he breathed out, finally allowing himself to fully accept that miraculous fact and kissing her face. Her forehead, her cheeks.

“I wasn’t going to die that easily,” she muttered, her eyes closed. “I still had to yell at you for getting Slade involved.”

A quiet laugh shook his chest, shaking away the last of the fear and grief that had settled over him on the boat when he had thought she was lost to him.

She was as dirty and bloody as everyone else and yet, when her eyes fluttered open and a smile turned up the corners of her mouth, to him she looked radiant. “I love you.”

He stroked her face, “I love you too.” Never again would he hold back from saying those words, not when he could never know if it would be the last time he would. “Deactivating those bombs… that was smart. You saved everyone.”

“William,” she started, trying to sit up. “What about him? Is he okay?”  

“He’s okay,” he assured her and she relaxed again. “Well, traumatized for life probably, but alive. I’ll… do my best to help him process.” There would be nightmares, he knew that. Knew some of what his son would carry home from this. He only hoped he could be there for him in the way that he had needed someone to be when he first came home, but was too afraid to let someone in like that.

She nodded solemnly in understanding, “So now what?”

“Now we go home.” He helped her to her feet, letting her lean on him as they slowly walked back to where everyone was gathered. “It’s going to be a little tight on the boat, but we’ll make it work until we can reach the mainland and transfer onto something a little bigger.” He looked around at the island burning to ash around him, “It’s time to leave this place behind for good.”  

“Literally… or metaphorically.”

He met her gaze, that glimmer of his future staring back at him, “Both.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi over on tumblr mogirl97.tumblr.com or twitter @mogirl97 :)


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